Margaritas, my messiness and other musings.

It’s been awhile.

Our coffee dates are getting few and far between these days.

You know that when the baby comes, they will be even less frequent, right?

Just preparing you. Or maybe myself.

Since this isn’t our first coffee date, you know that I never drink coffee. It’s just that saying a ‘tea date’ doesn’t have the same impact.

Coffee date

Granted, I would love to have a margarita date with you, but since I have been either pregnant or nursing for the last four years (without break)…I’m not sure my body would know what to do with a margarita.

If you are keeping up with things, then you will probably ask me how I’m doing.

If you haven’t been keeping up with things, then I would catch you up to date.

I might even give you a few extra details that aren’t included there. Just for fun.

For example, I might tell you that I’m a mess.

You might try to make me feel better and tell me how strong I am.

I would shake my head and look down. This isn’t false humility, my friend, it’s real. I’m a mess.

I’m a mess first, because I’m hormonal. My poor husband. (He’s a saint.)

I’m also a mess because I’m not strong. This uncertainty is hard. I feel like I’m in the middle of a huge ping pong game with my emotions. I get good news, then bad news, then good news, then..

I feel so weak. You know what else? I feel scared because people have already commented on how faithful I am to the Lord and His plan. Yet, will I still be considered faithful when something happens that I don’t expect; something that breaks my heart and I don’t immediately praise God for it?

Trusting God in this time of uncertainty isn’t something that comes naturally for me, rather it is something that I choose to do. I trust when I can and when my trust fails…I obey.

At this point, you might stop me to offer words of advice. Which I will politely listen to, but not really appreciate. I don’t want advice, I just want a hug.

Or you might give me some theological argument about how I should be more concerned about what God thinks rather than what other people think. Please forgive me for the glazed look that comes over my eyes, I’m trying to reign in my hormones and not bust out into tears. I don’t want a theological argument, I just want to process aloud without judgement. 

Or, you might just sit with me and listen. You might smile at me in that way that shows me you love me no matter what. Yes, that. That is exactly what I need from you.

Know that no matter how you respond, I’m still grateful for you. I still NEED you. I need your prayers, I need your words of encouragement. And yes, sometimes, I still need your advice.

What a pregnant lady REALLY wants for Christmas.

At this point, you might rub the belly a little. It’s okay. I don’t mind. Rub away…just stay away from that belly button. No one touches the belly button (it’s what happens when your innie becomes an outie and the skin gets stretched to the max. If that thing gets touched it’s like nails on a chalkboard, or something).

Normally, I would ask you how you are doing or what I can be praying for you about. But, I just…don’t have it in me. I want to know, truly I do! I don’t want to be that friend that is only focused on myself, but right now… my brain is so scattered that I would probably end up leaving our coffee date without even knowing what is going on with you. I might even leave my purse, but we can blame that one on pregnancy brain.

Since you love me, since you know my heart, I hope that you would forgive me for my selfishness.

As we leave, we would hug. However, this hug would just be a little more awkward than normal. It is REALLY difficult getting a good hug out of a very pregnant woman. We would probably settle on a side hug and laugh amidst the awkwardness of it all.

As I drive away, I would thank God that He gave me your friendship.

 

 



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6 comments

  1. Pamela M. M. Berkeley says:

    I’m also a tea drinker! Do you like chai? You can come to India and I’ll make you some nice homemade chai and we can talk about hormones. I’ve been pregnant or nursing for over a year and a half now (no, not pregnant again, just very much still nursing a ten month old). Hugs and thanks for being open about your messiness. We’re all a mess at time and I think we harm each other more by pretending that messiness is abnormal than by owning up to it because it makes people in their weakness feel even weaker.
    Pamela M. M. Berkeley recently posted…Together

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